Yet another month of writing class. I am an absolute failure with my resolution thus far, but I am trying. I am getting more into the groove of writing. Thinking of the story more and working out plot points in my head. I just need to get better about actually sitting down and putting it to paper. I am in the process of doing things around the house so hopefully when I’m done I can devote more time to the novel because I still would like to be finished by the end of next year.

For this class I submitted the next five pages of the novel. It included the main character starting to tell her story from when she was a child and it takes place in Atlantis. The story opens with her describing Atlantis as her father and her travel to the outer port city.  In stories they usually tell you not to start with a description so although this is 7 pages into the novel it is the opening of her telling her tale. And I was torn because you need to understand some of the geography and situations of Atlantis to understand the story, even from the beginning. So I submitted it as is and was curious to see what my teacher thought.

It went over really well. The other gentleman in the class (we’ve shrunk from 10 people to 2 lol) was so intrigued by the description that he drew a rough map. I had edited down the description so it was simpler but he said he thought I should leave it longer because it was “intriguing.” There was a lot less negative comments (because I got to spend a lot more time editing lol). And he said that again he wanted to read more and to find out where it was heading.

The map 🙂

My teacher kept using the word “fascinating.” “This is fascinating stuff, just fascinating.” He said that he did think I should open with a bit of action and we talked about what I thought would work, which he agreed with, and then move into the description which he also said he thought that while usually less is more for descriptions in this case, since Atlantis is so rare and unique, that more would be great for the reader.  So he said “I think you really have something here.”

We then talked more about my story and the other students.

The head of the program was there again and we found out that she would be teaching our last class. Instead of submitting the next five pages we are to write our one page query letter (for agents or publishers) and a one page synopsis that would go with it. We then spent the rest of the class discussing publishing, getting an agent, getting published etc.

And then she said something amazing!

She said that workshops and classes like this were good because the teachers often worked in publishing and knew people. For example she said she had not yet read my story but from hearing it described it was intriguing/fascinating (lol) and that it sounded well written from the comments. There were three things needed for publication 1. Timliness (and she said the story was timely as nothing had been put about Atlantis in a while and the subject was close enough to the hot topic of vampires but different enough to not be a copycat) 2. Talent and 3 I can’t remember lol. Anyway she said that from hearing what she had she could think of at least two agents who would LOVE to read my novel. And she gave me their names! Of course she said nothing could be sent to them until I was 100% totally done and edited but still! I’m still giddy over this news!

Two agents who would love my book! yay!

She then chastised me that I hadn’t told her my topic. I just said that she hadn’t asked 🙂

So now I have to get to work on the query letter and synopsis. I have a small problem concerning plot. There is a bit over arching plot with smaller incidents along the way. In my head I can see this as a 2 or 3 book series. However she said agents hate to see books presented as a series. So I have to make sure the first one stands alone, but can hint at more to come. I think what I have in mind will work, but I’m not certain.

I really want to send those that asked/offered to read pages to see what you all think. I’ve just been so slow with editing. But I haven’t forgotten. Feedback helps me so much!

But again, still floating on the high of her comments!

To sum up… I suck.

I have been terrible at meeting my goal and it is just generally because of life.  No excuses.

I did make quite a bit of headway with editing and was just going to send the 50-70 pages I have or so to the friends who asked/offered to read it when class hit last night.

For some reason I was terribly nervous about class. While editing I had begun to notice all sorts of style issues that stem from the fact that I wrote it nearly 15 years ago… and I know a lot more now than I did then. I’ve changed a lot as a writer.  So I was nervous about what would be said. I was nervous about how my teacher would act in class and would he give me a fair critique….

It went well… the critique that I expected was there. There were a lot of redundancies and some pronoun issues that were called out, rightfully so. A few things were called to my attention that were very helpful. But overall it was really liked. One gentleman said that he found it humorous and could relate to the characters. Another man said he was sure he’d dated Sadira or a co-worker several times. They pointed out several lines that they liked or places they found fascinating. One of the best things I learned was that I have a wider market than I thought. I originally thought I was writing for females 18-35 mostly. But everyone in the class said they would pick up this novel and read it…. that puts my market much wider and includes men. That was exciting.

My teacher said this was very marketable… I believe his quite was “you really have something here”….

And as far as my teacher hating me… he seemed fine last night. Laughed at some of my jokes and was generally normal like he was the first night of class. One of the men called him out on the fact that he wrote a whole new short story and we (myself and the other woman) went ahead with our novel. Teacher said that he just wasn’t clear… but she explained that we had decided to go with our novel anyway. This time the assignment is to send in 5 pages of whatever we want… anything at all. I’m not sure now what I want to send in… the next five pages of my story move things along but may not be really reflective of what I want to show next. If I can edit up to some other more challenging parts of the story that might be best.

That is the good news!

The bad news is that with the errors I found and the errors pointed out to me I now realize I really need to go back and practically rewrite everything I have. It’s full of the same sort of old writing… and would not fit with the rest of the book if I continued writing.

I hate rewriting… so this fills me with dread. Not excited about this at all… although I am eager to start. Yes I’m contradictory and weird.

So there you go! I’m excited and bummed out all at the same time!
Those who wanted pages… I’m not sure. Maybe I can send you the crappy copy if you want… but it might be best to wait for the new improved pages 😉

Does it surprise anyone that I have slacked a bit?

I tried, I really did. But the past month has been C-A-RA-Z-EEEEE (crazy! lol). LA was sick, I fell super behind in everything…. so I was a bit late submitting my pages to my writing instructor for critiquing.

I wasn’t super worried about it because he hadn’t forwarded me anyone elses work so I figured it was ok. Turns out it wasn’t. I had missed the deadline (even though he had never told me there was a deadline) and he hadn’t sent me work because he assumed I wasn’t participating. Which was very irritating because I paid for the course, why would I not participate?

I wrote back and asked him to tell me when the deadline was for future reference and if he could send me the other students work so I could read it. He never responded.

I tried to contact the main person to find out if I could skip this weeks course and add one on at the end of the class (same amount of classes for what I paid). Her response was to come to class to talk about it…. which seems strange since I was asking if I could skip it.

So when I get there I get the distinct impression that she is there to “handle” me… she offers to refund my money if the course wasn’t working for me etc. I said that the class wasn’t exactly what I expected but I wanted to stay and was ok with it. I had only been curious if I could miss this week and add an additional week on to my time. She explained that there were not extra courses.. so I said fine. I was surprised she was there as my question was simple and I wasn’t trying to make a stink…. I just figured if I had nothing to critique for others and nothing of my own to critique I was somewhat useless. And again, I got the impression that my teacher asked her to be there… which was odd because I didn’t think I was argumentative in my communication with him.

During class he passed over nearly anything I said or offered.

Thankfully after everyone’s critiques there was time in class for me to read from Sadira aloud.

This was really good for me. I’ve been looking at it so long most of it felt dull to me or in need of work. But the other participants really liked it. They said I had an excellent strong voice and an easy to read rhythm. They pointed out several stellar sentences (their phrase not mine) and they laughed out loud in parts. It was good for me. My teacher’s critique? “You were reading too fast and I didn’t catch it.”

What?! If I was reading too fast why didn’t he stop me?

Then he drops the bomb….

When I signed up for the course the advertisement said the class was to help finish a novel. As I mentioned in a previous post it was pretty clear that the class was not really designed to help with the grand scale of helping finish a novel. So I was hoping I could polish key pieces of my novel and get feedback on my style and technical needs. He told us that we were to turn 5 pages in monthly and that we could submit parts of our novel, a short story, or the response to writing prompts he would supply. I remember this specifically because someone asked directly if we could submit continuing sections of our novel and he said yes.

So tonight he passes out an outline of a short story. Similar to ones I gave my high school students when I was teaching and he tells us that our assignment is to write a brand new short story. He DOESN’T want parts of our novel, he wants something brand new and to try to write a short story that follows the steps. This is so basic. I know the steps of a short story. I have about 20 short stories that follow this outline… heck, I TAUGHT this outline. I am not here to do this.

Granted, it’s not as if it wouldn’t help… because again we can focus on style, voice, characterization etc… but I’m here to work on my novel!!!!

Another woman asks if we can work on our novel and he says, “Well of course you can do what you want…” and he went on to say that we could but heavily disapproved of. His disapproval was palpable. I wish I could remember exactly how he said it because it was good but the message was “You can do whatever you want but if you don’t do what I want I will not take you seriously and it won’t be the same and I won’t have as much to offer or help you with when your work is sent out you non cooperative, lazy, selfish, non team playing writer”

After class I went up to speak to him. I began by saying I was sorry if he took offense at my questions regarding the deadline for manuscript submission. He just kept giving me a condescending smile and not making eye contact. Said he hoped I could meet deadline this time. I said, yes on that note I wanted to ask about that. I reminded him that he previously told us we could continue to submit from our novel and that was really what I was there for. I was trying to have a conversation with him but he was clearly not having it. He again repeated that I could do what I want but basically that he didn’t approve…. a lot of shrugging and eyebrow raising. So disapproving.

I’m really disappointed.

I’m used to teachers liking me…. I’m annoyed that he seems to dislike me for no good reason. I’m annoyed because I feel like if I do what I signed up to do he will not take my work seriously and he won’t critique me as he would if I’d done his assignment.

I could easily pull a short story out of my “vault” or I could write a new one… it’s not a big deal but I’m trying to finish a novel… I don’t really want to split my focus or use a critique on something that doesn’t matter as much to me right now.

On the way out though another woman stopped me to ask if I had permission to submit from my novel. She had the same complaint and concerns that I did. She said she really liked what I read in class and asked if I’d send the first five pages so she could critique it for me and I could do the same for me. Better yet she said that she was going to submit the next portion of her novel so that we could both be “problem children” together and it wouldn’t just be one of us.

And on a bright note she told me that there is a local group that meets every Saturday morning for critiques. At this group you get five minutes to read and then everyone gives you input. You pay 35$ for the whole year…. so that might be really useful to me. If I had to have five minutes worth of reading every week it could be vastly helpful.

 

I stated in my last post about writing that I’d aim to write 5 new pages a week. I am not backing out on that goal but I did have to amend it. Before I can start writing new pages I need to go through and reread what I’ve already got.

It truly has been about 7 years since I worked on this project. On top of that when I go through and read I find error after error and issues. Generally I’m happy with it and occasionally even impressed with myself but it’s a first draft that I haven’t looked at in a long time…. so I can’t help myself from revising and editing as I go through.

Since I have quite a few pages I’m giving myself two weeks to do this and THEN will begin writing 5 new pages a week, minimum. I’m also taking notes and brainstorming things for when I start writing more.

On another note I’ve had at least two people ask if they will be able to read what I have here or elsewhere. Part of me would like to post what I have here for ease of sharing…. and I would love to get feedback. But I’m not sure it’s a good idea for privacy/copyright issue (I obviously have copyright on it the moment it’s written but if things get stolen it can be hard to rescue or claim them…. plus even having the idea out there could be bad, theoretically). Also, I would be posting A LOT over time, we’re talking about a whole novel and a blog probably isn’t the best place to comfortably read one.

So I think what I will do is occasionally post a bit here and there, maybe what I take to class plus other bits. And if you know me personally and want to read more just let me know and I’ll send it to you.

But you have to be kind and forgiving with your notes, bearing in mind it’s a first draft… and those notoriously rarely see the light of day, because they are so dreadful!

I headed off to my writing class last night full of giddy, nervous excitement.

I ended up taking both novels first few pages or so with me and figured I’d decide on the spot.

When I arrived in the back room of the recreation center I found a group of six men, one near my age, and one woman, not near my age. This surprised me a bit because most writing groups, conferences etc that I have been to are predominately female. They told me that the previous months class had about ten more students, not sure where they went.

There was a larger room attached with a giant game of BINGO going on, we could hear every winner! While we waited for the class to start everyone asked each other the writing question, “So what do you write?”

It’s a normal thing to be asked among writers but I so hate answering, especially because I write a variety of things and rebel at the idea of being tied down to one genre or label. I’m not even sure what I want to commit to so how can I tell others? So I went with fiction, fantasy, some historical, anthology, memoirs, mostly centering around female protagonists and one non fiction project.

The class started and I began to feel like I definitely should have taken the woman up on the offer to take the advanced class. All good information but things that I used to teach. I actually took a list because I was so amused that these were things that I always went over with my kids. At one point I even offered a couple exercises to help with some of his points. I found myself taking down notes to share with my students… you know prove to them that I know what I’m talking about… and then I realized that there really wouldn’t be an opportunity to share it with them properly (except here I guess). I was then momentarily bummed about not teaching, I really loved teaching the creative writing course.

So after we got a brief refresher/lesson we moved on to discussing the pages of the other students. They had each emailed to the others 500 words or so of writing. We went around the group to hear the notes and criticisms for each. This was obviously just listening time for me since I hadn’t received the work. I was also quickly coming to two conclusions. The first that this course might not be as helpful to me in finishing my novel as I hoped. If we were just turning in 5 pages each month I could easily slack and not do anything. I mean, I have over 100 pages of each manuscript in reserve, I don’t have to do anything to fulfill my homework requirement. Also the discussions were limited by the size of our sample, they would not truly be able to help me with plot points, sub plots and the questions I have about sustaining tension, character and interest for a full length novel…. But I also realized that while it might not be the class to help in the grand scheme of novel writing, it could still help me with writing style, voice and quality… all of which are good things. And then perhaps I could move to the advanced class to work on the larger issues.

The second point I began to realize is that this group of men (mostly) might not be the right group to help me hash out some of the character and plot issues in Plain Jane. Plain Jane is true womens fiction, not something that many men really read. While Sadira might be something those with in interest in fantasy etc might pick up, or at least be more likely to. Dagger (the Nazi era historical drama) might be most up their ally.

So when it came time for me to read aloud my pages I confessed that I had at least four novels that I had in various stages of progress (and just today I remembered two more!) and that I had brought two samples with me because I wasn’t sure which I should do. They suggested I pitch each story and let them vote. So I did.

When they first heard about Sadira they joked that they didn’t want to read about someone punishing women 🙂 (of course not!) but they quickly realized it would involve quite a bit of sex. It was a good conversation and they even joked I should put her in the Nazi story because “Everyone loves dead Nazi’s!” One man voted for Plain Jane because the genre is hot right now but the majority felt that I should work on Sadira because it is unique. No one could think of a story out there like it right now and since it’s similar enough to the vampire trend it would be hot, but it’s different enough that I wouldn’t be competing with that trend. Plus, they thought publishers would like the fact that I picture it as a 2-4 book series, minimally.

So they all voted for the “succi-bitch” as they were calling it. They seem like a good group to work with, lots of humor and interest in others writing. Several of the guys also put in their vote that they would be most helpful in commenting on any sex scenes I would need to write for the story line, they would love to read those first.

One guy suggested I make it a young adult novel because none of the current YA novels have really strong female characters but it didn’t take long for him to figure out (and the other guys to point out) that a story about a succubus is probably not going to be very PG.

Decision made… now I just have to figure out which five pages to send in to them for this first time. I think the first five so they know what is going on. Then I am going to resolve to finish an additional five pages every week during the class….

That should help me get close to finishing!

Of course then I wake up this morning and remember another novel I started a while back that I thought had a lot of potential, until I started rewriting it as a screenplay, about a man who accidentally sells his soul to the devil and is trying to figure out how to get it back… definitely a comedy. Next I start second guessing myself that maybe this group of guys would be more help with that one! lol I definitely have trouble committing to just one story!

Plain Jane

So as I posted yesterday I have to decide which novel I want to really commit to working on.

At first I thought it would be Sadira… I was just feeling it more.  But then I had a conversation with a friend of mine discussing the merits of each. She made a good point that since I know exactly how I want all the plot points and twists of both Sadira and Dagger to go I should go with Plain Jane, which is a bit more nebulous in my mind (I know all about the main characters but I have some less than clear ideas on how I want them to end up there). She pointed out that if I was going to a class with other writers that might be the group to hash those ideas out and work on the kinks…. excellent point. So now I’m confused again….

I have to go to bed and I also have to decide…

Here is the first five pages of Sadira and the first five pages of Plain Jane…. if you’d like to vote again I’m totally open to it (heck I may need the help! lol)… but I think what I’m going to do is take the first five pages of both and see what the class suggests I do. The instructor may have some insight into what the group can help me best with.

And just so you think I’m just a total indecisive mess let me explain why all the angst. I was lucky enough to have a NY Times Bestselling novelist mentor me a bit. She took me to lunch and went over my writing and gave me some great advice. One of the things I asked her was about genre since many of my ideas bounce from one genre to another. She cautioned me that whatever I published first could get me stuck with that genre for several years until I could develop a readership that would go with me into a new genre or that I could convince a publisher to let me publish a novel in a new genre or under a different name. If my first book was wildly unsuccessful I might be able to switch genres but would have to convince a publisher to give me another chance in a new genre…. so I feel like whatever I pick not only has to be good enough but something I’m comfortable sticking with for a while. And I hate having to choose 😦

By the way… I don’t necessarily expect readers to stick out all of the writing.. but if you do I owe you a cookie or a cup of coffee or something 🙂
I wanted to put it out there… because if I was reading all this whining I’d want to know what all the fuss was about 🙂

Oh and excuse any editing issues this would be first or second draft writing.

Sadira

“I ‘m a home wrecker.”

 

a note on Sadira… I’m planing on changing the name of the novel and my protagonist… Sadira is tied with Penelope in my mind for what I would like to name a future daughter, Steve just has to be talked into it. I mean, isn’t it gorgeous and exotic? and then we could call her Sadie for added cuteness, All American factor… but it will not work if mama has written a novel in which Sadira is a professional home wrecker seductress 🙂

I

t’s hard to live in a place when you’re consistently plain.

Plain Jane.

That’s who I am.

Removed both texts for copyright safety. If you’d like to read them just let me know!

In keeping with my New Years Resolution I signed up for a Living Social Deal with a local writers group. They were offering courses for a reduced price.

I have previously taught Creative Writing courses but I also know you can always learn more and taking a class can be a good way to have deadlines and to be held accountable… so I signed up.

After speaking to their coordinator they said I could go in the advanced course but it was extra money, so I opted for the Intermediate course.

I actually missed the first class when I was in Texas. I just found out this week that my first class is this Thursday and I need to bring five pages of manuscript (preferrably for a novel) and since everyone in the class doesn’t have a copy I should read it aloud! Ack!

Reading aloud your own work is torturous for me… I never made my students do it.

So that is the first Ack!

The second Ack! is that I don’t know what to bring. I have four novels in progress, various states of “doneness” and one new one that has been bouncing around in my head dying to get out. I don’t know what to bring.

1. historical drama during Nazi era Germany.. star crossed lovers etc…he’s in Hitler Youth about to graduate into SS/Gestapo program, she is living under false paper and is a Jew

2. Young Adult novel– fantasy.. hesitate to write this one first as it’s harder to go from Young adult to adult rather than the other way around… so am nixing this one

3. Plain Jane- Womens fiction about a woman who fantasizes about the road not taken. She is pregnant and already has twin boys when contacted by her ex, the first love of her life. The real world is wearing her down and she dreams about what might have been, or could still be. Kind of a Jennifer Weiner/Jodi Piccolt sort of thing

4. Sadira- Fantasy sort of novel… have an idea in my head of it being a trilogy…. About a woman who becomes a succubus and her adventures from there… hard to describe but covers various parts of history and is clearly much more fantasy than 1 or 3

So I have to decide. Previously I had committed to Plain Jane… but I ran into some road blocks and stopped… perhaps that means I should pick it up and finish it up with this course…..

Any thoughts?

 

Ok so I’ve gotten the memo from the general population that New Years resolutions are trite. That no one keeps them and therefore they are completely worthless. I get that. I understand that if you make a resolution that you have absolutely no intention of keeping, it’s pretty much a waste.

But I do believe in New Year’s resolution…. sure most people don’t keep them for longer than a week (a month is quite an accomplishment) and I know that for many people it’s the same resolutions year after year with no improvement. However, I do believe there is some value in taking a moment, even if only a moment, to evaluate your life and see what needs to be changed. Obviously, it would be better if more people actually put some effort into making the changes they’ve noticed are needed… but in this fast paced world at least they took a bit of time for self refelction.

Me… I make them every year and I do honestly try to keep them. Most of mine aren’t really quantifiable… so it’s hard to tell if I succeeded in them. But even when I made one with a clear out come, for example the resolution “I WILL finish my novel this year” …..it was useful…. obviously I did not finish my novel in the past when I’ve made the resolution but my attempts to do so have been better because of the resolution. I’m going with any improvement is better than none at all.

So in the spirit of attempted self improvement I give you my New Years Resolutions!

1. I need more patience.

     It always makes me laugh when people tell me that I have so much patience. I’ve had students remark on it throughout my years of teaching. It’s strange because I do not feel like a patient person, I would not list it as one of my stronger attributes.  I know that some of the people closest to me would not list it as one either (I know this because both my mother and my husband have commented on it in the last month alone lol). But I suppose I can see why some people think I am. I give the impression of patience…. in some situations I’ve gotten very good at “looking” patient. Not the same thing at all. I think it’s also because while I am not patient I am very good at judging what things matter and what things don’t. So if I know it’s something I can’t really change and that doesn’t matter in the long run, I can be very patient about it. But other things I’m just not

      I have a tendency to not be patient with things that occur over and over again. If something happened with a student once or twice, for example, I would be very patient about it. The more it happened the more impatient I would become. I think this is because, in my mind at least, we’ve addressed it… it’s not that hard…. stop doing it!!!! I also have a hard time dealing with complete and utter illogic. People making statements that just aren’t true, or have no basis in reason, drive me bonkers.

     With all that in mind there is one particular person I need to have more patience with. I love this person very much, I would say I’m very close to her. But she manages to push all my buttons. She always has to be right, she is very judgemental, her way is the only way to do things, she believes she has to say whatever she thinks no matter how hurtful it might be (ironically she doesn’t see how it hurt someone as it is just how she feels), she nags on these issues incessently, she sees the world as a glass half empty and has to push this negative world view on everyone and she often acts or speaks without any basis in fact. Now having said these negative things she is also a warm, loving person who would do anything for those she loves. She is so insecure that she cannot seem to believe she is loved, which is so very sad.  She truly means well and even some of her worst flaws come from her trying to do her best. All of these things are increased by the fact that she is in her mid 80’s.

     I can see that some of the things she says or repeats is not by choice, but by the fact that she is growing older and she simply cannot remember that she said them. However, sometimes it is just because she has to be right. One of the things she loves most in this world is LA, which means one of the things she has to boss me around about, criticize me about, worry about or make little comments is LA. Needless to say this makes me feel judged and nagged… two things that do not lead to my having patience.

Plus, in the vein of her always having to be right, she will decide things and go with it, even if all evidence points to the contrary. One of the things is temperature. She believes that LA is cold….always. It doesn’t matter if everyone else in the room tells her that she is the only cold one she is convinced that LA isn’t wearing enough clothing. It doesn’t even matter if LA is sweating…. LA is cold. Why don’t I do something about it? Then the passive aggressive comments start, “Well, I know I don’t know anything, but in my day babies were meant to be kept warm.”

Did I mention that passive agressive also drives me bonkers.

So when these things start I really do try to grit my teeth and ignore them. I remind myself it’s borne of love. I try to ignore. But she is fairly relentless and I’m not patient so I’ll end up snapping. One time I remember saying, “That’s right. I carried her for 9 months being careful of everything I ate or drank for her well being. I had my migraines and other illness and wouldn’t take medication. Followed up by a completely natural childbirth because I believed it was best for her ….all so that I could make her freeze once I got her, you’re on to me!”

This did not go over well.

So I’m not asking God to give me the opportunity to learn patience…. I have the perfect opportunity as it is. I’m hoping I can let things go more. And not just on this situation.

But especially with this situation because I do love her and I recognize that we won’t have her forever.

(On a side note it always drives me nuts because part of my brain is screaming “So why won’t she just lay off you so you can enjoy being around her” but a. I know she can’t help some of it and b. that’s who she’s been for all these years she is not likely to change now…. even though it drives me crazy)

 

2. Exercise and Health

Yeah, yeah, yeah…. EVERYONE makes this one. I never claimed to be a total original. I never had baby weight to lose so I was confidant that nursing would keep me at my new weight or help me lose even more. But no. In fact nursing seems to have had me gain weight. Perhaps its because for the first 9 months of LA’s years I didn’t have to move as much. Now I certainly do! lol

Anyway, Steve and I are doing a couch to 5K program for running and I’ve been keeping a better eye on my diet. So hopefully I can keep this one! (Sidenote… I seriously hate running and believe it should only be done if someone is chasing you with a sharp object and a maniacal gleam in their eye.)

We are always on the prowl for keeping things natural and healthy as well. With that in mind we are actually looking into building a chicken coop in our backyard so we’ll have fresh eggs. I’m very excited about this prospect. More on that later.

3. Clean out and downsize.

So I don’t see myself on an episode of Hoarders anytime soon but I’d like to be more streamlined. I think things would be easier to clean and keep clean if we had less.

This is no problem for Steve, he’s a minimalist. I am not.

I need to go through things though while I’m in this frame of mind and purge. Problem is there is a little help who would be right behind me and it’s very hard to work when she’s “helping.” Plus I often find it difficult to keep up with my regular cleaning, working, being Mama activities…. taking quite a bit of time to reorganize and downsize seems impossible. But I’m going to try!

4. Go to bed with the house (mostly!) straight and the kitchen clean

So this one is a joint resolution. I proposed this be our family resolution. Steve just raised his eyebrows and said, “We’ll see.” Although to his credit he has been pretty good so far.

I just want to take five minutes to straighten the couch pillows, put away the stray toys, the glasses, any trash etc before we go to bed. Because when we don’t I walk out into the living room in the morning and I just immediately feel overwhelmed. When it’s mostly straight I feel better, more ready to take care of stuff. It’s a psychological thing I’m sure.

Plus the kitchen…. sigh….. My husband is pretty perfect but we have what I call the ongoing Dish War. When we started dating and he realized I could cook he swore that whenever I cooked dinner he would clean up. That lasted less than a year.

However, as I’ve pointed out repeatedly, it really sucks to spend up to an hour in the kitchen preparing a nice meal only to be put back in the kitchen afterwards to clean it all up. Plus, LA usually needs me so I don’t get it until later and by then I’m just exhausted and it feel so unfair.

Steve often says he will do it, and he will, but my definition of cleaning up the kitchen does not mean doing it all 3 days later. It’s gross, it looks terrible, it attracts bugs (hello Florida!) and if I want to cook something else I don’t have the space or the tools available.

He came up with a plan about a year ago, admittedly after I had a dish meltdown, that I would do dishes Monday and Thursday and he would take the rest. Fair enough but it still doesn’t happen most nights.

So I’m really hoping this one will get going….. for my sanity because one day I’m going to completely have a dish meltdown and it won’t be pretty.

5. Do more with LA

LA is growing so fast! I want to do everything with her! I feel like some days I’m just treading water to get through… and I don’t want to go through life like that or I’ll miss things. So I’m really trying to slow myself down and savor all her moments. To do interactive things and let her try…. to not get caught up in other things and just focus on her without technology or life distracting me (there is another blog post half writing about this one too).

And to focus on husband and life more… it’s so easy for me to rush around completing a to do list. But I’ve come to realize I’ll never finish. I’m one of these people who will always have a project or 12 so I need to take time to cuddle on the couch and let it go.

6. Write! Write, write, write! Novel finished by 2013!

I’ve been a terrible writer and I’ve missed it. Lately the characters for my novel (and some other characters for other ideas) have been screaming at me to get going. When they expect me to do this, I don’t know. But I need to. It’s part of who I am and I’m happier when I have some time to do this.

The idea for this blog was to keep my juices flowing so I would write my “real” stuff more. It hasn’t really done that and I haven’t been really great about keeping up with this either (trust me, there are like 8 incomplete posts I need to finish).

I signed up for a writing class that meets once a month for 6 months. I’m hoping it will help me stay accountable and really get some pages done each month. I also am hoping to do more here….

This post, I’m resolving, will my last unedited, quick post. I will take time. I will work on craft. I will try…. otherwise this place may become a spot to dump whatever is on my mind before I get to my other work… but I hope not.

Hoping to get at least two more posts out before I go to Texas next week. That’s right, Texas, see I do have some catching up to do!

Happy New Year!

Fat Free Freckles

So I did say that part of this blog would be my own writing.

I have been a super slacker in the last year and haven’t worked on my novel or any new stories. So I’m posting an old story I wrote about five years ago. Trying to get my brain back in the game.

Hope you enjoy it 🙂  Still not sure I love the ending but I do like the premise….

 

 

            My first rebellion was accidental- 2% rather than fat free.  The Kevlern family believed children needed fatty milk.

            “Why would you drink that stuff?” my friend Lauren asked as she wrinkled her nose at my request.

            I envied that nose. Covered in freckles it upturned slightly at the end and was commonly referred to as adorable. My mother abhorred freckles.  That’s what she would say, “I abhor freckles. They are common.”

Never being quite sure what common was, but sensing its wrongness I followed her directions and never developed any. I was constantly covered with SPF 45, kept in the shade, and if even one freckle dared to show itself I was covered in more paste and goop than a clown at the circus.

You see, I have a pageant mom.

Not that I participated in pageants, not yet. She is not a mom who dresses up her little girl to compete in pageants.  Not a stage mom.  She was a pageant queen. She is a pageant queen she would be quick to remind anyone. 

Once a queen always a queen… a queen doesn’t forget who she is.

This queen theory makes me a princess, which seemed like fun until I was five when the preparations for my ascension became serious. My mother wanted me to be a Queen too – Homecoming Queen, Prom Queen, and eventually Miss Seminole, Miss Florida and Miss America or Miss USA basically she’d accept anything with a “Miss” title and a crown. She thought winning children’s pageants was degrading.  Aim for the stars she always said. So for the last four years my mother had tried to mould me into a future Miss Something-Or-Other.

            So in answer to Lauren’s question I mimicked my mothers rhythmic lecture voice, “Well, fat free milk has all the calcium my body needs to grow but none of the fat that will look unsightly in a bathing suit.”

            Lauren rolled her eyes, “Who cares about bathing suits? Unless you have a crush?” She grabbed my arm and continued in a sing-songy voice, “I bet it’s Jimmy. Cara loves Jimmy. Jimmy and Cara sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-“

            “Stop it,” I shoved her and we wrestled around before deciding to play dress up with her mom’s clothing and make-up.  The rest of the afternoon was uneventful.  I did earn the nickname “Princess Perfect” from Lauren for my expert make-up. Mom had made me practice since I was six while Lauren looked more like a normal nine year old playing with lipstick. I wondered briefly if mother would be happy with my “title.”

            On the way home I pondered the differences between types of milk.  Why did it matter? I wasn’t fat, I knew that. I began to think of my mother’s other rules.  We lived inFloridaand I had never been to the beach, ever.  She did take me to Disney World so that I could see the princesses and have a cultural experience.  Every night I had to check my manicure and pedicure, exfoliate, cover my body in lotion, check my face and apply whatever lotion it required, put on my chap stick, wrap up my hair in curlers or a silk scarf and go to bed in time to get at least eight hours of sleep.

            For the first time I wondered why I had to be Miss Something. At school weren’t they always telling us that we could be anything we wanted to be? What if I wanted to be something else?

            At dinner I asked my mother.

            “What?” she put down her fork, lettuce still attached. “Why wouldn’t you want to be Miss United States? It’s every little girl’s fantasy, Princess. And you have the edge, the secret weapon…. Your momma!”

            With that she flashed me her thousand-watt pageant smile and drank her sweet ‘n low flavored ice tea.

            I tried to continue the conversation, “But Momma what if I want to be something else?”

            “Like what little darling?” Her smile never wavered but I could tell it had dropped to a 995 wattage.

            I scrambled for an answer. Princess and beauty queen were the only things I’d imagined were on the list. Suddenly I knew, “A ballerina.”

            Momma did not respond as I imagined.  Instead she swooped down upon me. “You are the most brilliant little thing ever! I’ve been racking my brain for your talent and here you go finding it. Whoo hoo, I’ll sign you up tomorrow. You’re sure to be the prettiest Miss United States ever!”

            I sullenly finished my dessert, half of an Oreo (with the cream mostly scraped off) and a glass of fat free milk.

 

 

 

            The next day I found myself in The Prima Dona School beginner’s class.  Momma had gone to run errands and pick out all my new dance costumes. So after all my new positions were learned we found ourselves released early and I found myself unattended. 

I stood outside. At first I obediently waited in the shade but the sun began to beckon me and soon I stepped out into it. I turned my face and immediately I could feel a thin veil of sweat over my face and neck. I imagined I could feel the freckles developing. I licked my licks and tasted the salty sweat trickling from my upper lip.

The sun didn’t hurt me, it warmed me, it felt right.

The rebellion felt so good I began to think of another way I could disobey Momma. I looked around the strip mall and spotted a 7-11. I knew at once what I could do.

After spending my ten-dollar allowance I had Snickers Bars, a six-pack of Coke and one container of full fat milk stuffed into my dance bag with my ballet slippers.

Momma found me smiling sweetly in the shade where I belonged.  The whole way home she chattered about my genius.

“I have been struggling to find the perfect talent you Princess. Singing has been done so often, the judges are looking to discover something new.  I won’t have you twirling those flaming batons you might singe something and ruin your chances. Signing to a song makes you look too liberal. But ballet,” she smiled over at me fondly. “Ballet is just perfect you can show off your grace and figure while still being a classic beauty.”

That night to celebrate momma agreed to make my favorite dinner; grilled salmon on white rice with steamed veggies. And since I had surely worked so hard I would be allowed to have one Sara Lee slice of sugar free, low fat, cheesecake.  Every nine year olds dream.

 

 

 

 

Before dinner momma decided we should dress up to celebrate.  She spent forty-five minutes picking out my dress, fixing my hair and giving me a lesson in make-up before she jumped in the shower herself.

While she was there I snuck out into the garage and pulled my dance bag from the spare fridge that momma kept the veggies in for all her health cocktails.   My heart was pounding as I carefully poured all of the fat free milk down the drain. Next I slowly poured the full fat milk into the fat free container and placed it in the fridge. I could still hear the water running upstairs so I believed I’d have time for Phase Two.  Momma kept her two-liter of diet coke in the fridge. She carefully measured out one serving a day because, as she lectured, even though it only had one calorie it had tons and tons of teeth rotting, figure warping sugar.  I was pouring it down the drain when the water stopped. I froze but calculated that I had at least twenty more minutes before she wanted me to come up and observe her make up application. 

As I poured each can of coke into the container I began to worry that she’d be able to tell the difference in taste. I’d never had either but I imagined they were very different.  I could only hope that since it had been so many years since she’d had real coke she wouldn’t realize there was the difference. I managed to get the bottle back to its original level and still have one can left for my own before I heard momma calling me from upstairs.

At dinner that night I watched her very carefully as she sipped her coke.  Once she made a strange face but simply took another deeper drink from the cup and smiled at me.

“Enjoying your salmon Pumpkin?”

“Yes I am mama.  Could I have more milk?”

She frowned for a moment but than shrugged. “It’s a celebration after all. We’ll just have to be more careful that you don’t grow too tall to be a proper ballerina. In fact I think I’ll have another glass of diet coke, it tastes wonderful to me tonight, I must be dehydrated.”

I smiled to myself as I took a drink from the thick full fat milk I had in my cup.

 

Over the next few weeks my weight or appearance changed little.  I did attempt other small rebellions against my mother. I only drank four glasses of water a day rather than my full eight. I tried sleeping on my side even though mama told me it created premature wrinkles and lopsided breasts.  I only flossed every other night and did not actually put on all my lotions before sleep. Outside of the house I tried the French fries that my friends offered me at school. My first French fry ever was beautiful.  Ketchup was another wonderful discovery.  Plus I learned that mother had lied. There truly was a difference between fat free frozen yogurt and real ice cream. It was breathtaking.

Mother on the other hand actually seemed to put on a few pounds.  Who knew Diet Coke and Full Fat Milk had so much effect?  Of course after a while I also made her ice tea with real sugar instead of sweet’n’low and other fatty substitutions.   This weight gain sent her into a frenzy of exercise and dieting.  Soon anything that was not lettuce or water disappeared from the house.  I even found a way to sabotage that…. A simple replacement of full fat dressing for fat free. I thought she’d catch on to that one as the fatty dressing is much thicker but she simply looked at the bottle and continued eating.

 

 

 

“And that ladies and gentlemen is truly how I achieved the independence necessary to compete and ultimately win the Miss United States pageant. You see it is important that you learn to respect and listen to your mother, and I did eventually stop rebelling, but it is important to learn to think for yourself. To question authority. To strike out on your own and learn who you are and what you want out of life.  And, ultimately, my mother was right and I stand before you Miss United States. Thank you”

With that I handed the microphone back to the emcee.  The girl scouts in the audience all applauded and beamed up at me. I imagined there would be more than one mother who would have her fat free milk replaced with the natural variety very soon.

As I left the stage my mother stepped into rhythm beside me.

“I hate it when you tell that story.  MissUSshould set a good example for little girls not brag about their rebelliousness.”

“You fail to listen to the point of the story, momma.”

“I listen very well.  You on the other hand went out by the pool yesterday didn’t you? I see a tan line here….” With that last comment she pulled on my gown and pointed.

“No momma it’s just the lighting,” But I smiled to myself to think that the true lesson in my story was to learn how to listen, smile, and do what you want anyway. 

She continued to lecture me on the dangers of ultra violet rays and the consequences of premature aging.  I didn’t mind knowing that soon I’d be leaving my mother behind to enjoy a large ice cream cone out by the pool – wearing SPF 45 of course. 

She wasn’t wrong, but she wasn’t right either.