So, I’ve noticed a change since LA was born. (Guys you might want to close your ears, or cover your eyes, or what not for this one). Pre-LA I never really had mood swings before my special girl time. Maybe, a little anxiety or fat feelings. But nothing extreme. To be honest I never understood how other women could let their emotions run away with them so much. I’d think “Gee if you know you’re hormonal just shut up and discount it.”
That was Pre-LA. Post-LA I understand much more. The first time was when LA was about 7 months old. I thought I might be going crazy. I wondered if Post Partum depression could start so long after. The only time I felt “right” was when I was with her…. the rest of the time I felt awful. About nearly everything. The only two people I thought liked me were my mom and my daughter… and I even wondered if they thought I was doing an ok job. I was so relieved when I realized that my crazy thoughts were because my “friend” had returned…. although I was hoping this was a one time hormonal shift that would NEVER happen again.
So it hasn’t been quite as bad as that first time… and it hasn’t been every time. And I’m learning to cope. I think a large percentage of it is hormones… but I think a good portion of it is just regular mommy anxiety. We all want to be the best at what we are doing. It’s an important job a big deal.
And for mommies, like me, who are used to seeing progress at the end of every work day it can be frustrating to not see that. Some days are just treading water.
So below is the post I wrote 2 months ago…. I didn’t post it because the next day I felt better and it seemed so down. It’s pretty much how I felt yesterday as well…. and I feel better today. But it will help someone else to see that it’s normal to feel this way on occasion. Or maybe it will just help me if someone else comments that I’m not crazy and they feel this way some days too 🙂 So either I’m being selfless or selfish, either way… below is my whiney feelings of inadequacy on a hormonal stressful day …. :
Ugh. <- That is how I feel.
I have now felt this way for the past three days. I’m not sure if there is something misfiring in my head, if its the situation or its some kind of weird post pregnancy hormonal imbalance (can those happen 10 months after baby is born?)
Usually I’m a Glass Half Full kind of girl. Heck, I started this blog with the intention of focusing on the positive, even when I had my momentary negativity bursts. But for the last few days I just feel like a complete total failure… in every category pretty much.
Want to move to Ireland and hide out in a shack by the sea.
I am trying to keep up with work… which I feel like I could do more with. I wonder if I could handle going full time but I hear it is a major undertaking and I’m worried I wouldn’t be able to handle it (especially with what you are about to see below).
I feel like a total failure housekeeping wise. I am not a super neat freak… that gene skipped from my grandmother, over my mother, and apparently over me too… not quite sure where, if anywhere, it landed. I really, REALLY like things to be neat and put away but when it comes down to cleaning something else again or playing with my daughter or working the cleaning seems to come last. Usually I feel like this results in a santitary, although slightly cluttered, home. “Clean enough to be sanitary, messy enough to be a home” is something my grandfather used to say. Lately though I just feel like a failure…. I have a tendency to keep things that are meaningful to me. And since I don’t ever want to be on the show Hoarders I try to go through things every so often and downsize. With LA in life I have not been as good about getting to things like that, because I don’t have time. So I’m trying to just get rid of things the first time… I’m trying. Not always successful but I’m working on it.
So while I see projects gathering dust… sometimes literally. I’m also battling bugs. Usually I’m a bug killer of the first degree. If I saw even one bug I would completely bomb the house. Two things have changed this. My husband thinks I could be over doing it and with LA around I have not bombed because I’m worried about the pesticides. We’ve been religious about the border outside and inside, keeping things up etc but there are few mornings I don’t wake up and find one dead somewhere… which makes me feel so dirty. I realize it is most likely because we have a large deck in the backyard and they live there and I need to put more poison down but still. Also, it seems that spiders (my arch nemesis) have decided to launch a full on invasion. I kill them on site and check the corners regularly but they keep turning up. I know this is life in general…. but it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.
It doesn’t help when two of my closest friends have homes that always (no matter when you drop by!) look like they are ready for their Home and Garden Photo Shoot… and they both have kids! Sigh… inadequecy.
With all of this comes my concern that I’m not doing enough with LA. Am I spending enough time with her, am I too lax with her naptime, should we be doing this or that?… I try to repeat my own advice that I often give to friends which is “If you are worrying about it then you are probably a good mom. Bad moms don’t worry.” But still.
Then, of course, there are the money concerns. We’re making it work. But the summer is tough… birthdays, holidays, the dogs annual check ups, home insurance and other things make it a challenge. Speaking of home insurance it has gone up…. (thank you Rick Scott). And it irritates me because I don’t actually believe they’d really help if we needed them and if they did help they would drop us as soon as humanely possible. So I feel like I’m wasting my money. I have a whole list of “when we have a little extra money we need” and none of it is fun stuff. And I don’t see a reprieve any time soon. I tell myself that there are possible breaks… a promotion for Steve, the lottery, a random stranger we don’t know leaving us suitcases of cash because of a random good deed one of us did, or the publication of my book (of course I’d have to have time to finish writing it first!).
In my previous life I would get a glass of wine, a good book, maybe some chocolate and take a long hot bubble bath. If I still felt crappy I’d take a nap (you can’t worry when you nap). I’d allow myself to mope and after that I’d start doing something. In this life, there is no option for indulging in a mope, no nap and very little time to get things done.
In a cruel twist of fate there is a MAJOR worry gene running rampant through my family. This causes a certain loved one of mine to worry about things that are not of use to anyone. She worries about floods in other states, any disease, any recall, anything. She once called to make sure I was driving with my doors locked because a woman in Ybor had been pulled from her car and raped… and I was no where near Ybor. I know this worrying is out of love but I do not want my life controlled by worrying about things I have no influence over. So then, and here is the cruel irony, I worry about worrying too much!!!
I know this is all pointless and I’m probably not sucking as much as I feel like I am… but this is how I feel right now.
On top of which I feel fat… I feel like I never look nice. I have lost the baby weight and an additional 8 pounds, but it seems that the 10 extra pounds (that were supposed to be lost before I got pregnant) have all migrated and multiplied. So while I’ve lost weight I feel flabbier. I need to work out, but when?
And besides ME feeling all of this I’m terrified that my husband will think I don’t do enough… that he’s judging the house, or that my friends are. I honestly thought when I became a stay at home mom I would be able to take care of baby and keep the house clean. I knew it would be lots of work and not easy…. but still. Maybe it’s the PT job that is the extra ball juggling that makes it tough… maybe I’m just bad at it. But it seems I can only do one or two things well a day. I can be a good mommy and employee but not a good housewife. Or I can be a good housewife and mommy but not a good employee. It’s frustrating bc I’m used to being someone who can do LOTS.
Reading back over it I suppose it doesn’t look so bad… and when I’m not feeling so overwhelmed it seems manageable. I think maybe it’s like how servers get “in the weeds” when you just can’t see the forrest for the trees. You’re in it so deep some days there doesn’t seem a way out. If I think about all I have to do or the time it takes to do it than I feel bogged down. Just taking the time to write this blog makes me feel guilty because there is so much else I need to do. But I recognize that taking 15 minutes to do this makes me feel better…. it’s something I can do for me. I really want to take the time to REALLY write but this at least keeps my wheels turning and all.
So… enough whining… I’m going to pour myself a glass of apple juice, turn on some happy music (Hello Glee!) and get to work while the baby naps!